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Before my life flies by...

Dec. 20th, 2007 | 11:26 am
mood: sicksick
music: Emmy Rossum - Slow Me Down

Grades are in, I'll give you one guess (they are all the same letter). It's kind of boring anymore. I just want to be done with undergrad...but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't try to rush my life. I often chastise others for always thinking about what's next and never appreciating what's now. I try to find a balance of both, but certain moods can change that. So I've had to try extra hard lately to have fun and enjoy myself. Although a relationship is always ideal for me, the single life is starting to grow on me once more.

It just sucks I have a horrible cold right now...someone take care of me, lol :(

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To begin again...

Nov. 12th, 2007 | 01:17 am

I climb to fall.

Desire. It is such a strong entity. It has many savory qualities. The power to create, enhance, renew, embolden. But it also has many pitfalls. It can overpower, enrage, destroy, depreciate. It can really fuck with your mind if you let it. Much of this culture is consumed by hedonistic tendencies that desire most often leads to addiction.

Sex. It is completely natural. At the same time it is so guarded and regulated in society. The intention is to protect, but it only hurts. Like drinking. So many young adults and adolescents in this culture die from a binging episode unconsciously meant to be a big "fuck you" to the man for having the highest drinking age in the world. Sex is no different. Sex went from procreation and passion between two lovers to a highly competitive hobby, now contaminated by AIDS and other STD's.

Desire and sex. Intuitively, they should govern a relationship, but government has turned to anarchy. No one is ever satisfied. Constant ruminations that there must be something more to this life cloud people's perception of what is right in front of them. They get carried away by desire and branch out, wanting sex from various places. Maybe someone else has a bigger penis, another still could be more fit, or maybe, Mr. tall, dark and handsome is abound (but it wasn't that guy, or that other guy, or the one that's on top of me right now).

Relationships. A great fictional concept. When all your so-called friends are victims of desire and sex that you let yourself be blind-sided too, how could there be relationships? There is a constant push to keep moving on, never having that constant. It can be a rush, and the single life may look appealing when 'everyone else is doing it.' But where does that put you in 10 years? When landmark birthdays that were worth celebrating have long since been past. When your body has started to die and feel regret for not having a family. A partner, a kid, a dog, perhaps? Where does it put you in 5 years even? You are already past your sexual prime (for men). That rush that you wanted to feel forever, maybe not so much anymore. That bitch called desire will turn its back.

A year? When others start to get settled in to what they think will be relationships and have left you in the dust again. When you've slept through many people and realize someone worth having was lost along the way. When it's too late to go back. When you want more than just sex. You want to see the world, breathe the air, enjoy life as you have it and get out of that paranoid rut that has you searching in and out of body cavity after body cavity looking for what you will never find.

The pleasure of company. What a novel idea. But where is good company? Social relationships (friends, acquaintances) aggregate around that seeking behavior. Your single finds pressure you to assist them in their search. The other friends pressure you to engage in that search for yourself. The world is predator chasing predator, though not everyone wants the same prey. I'm tired of that world.

All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because
So long I was
So in love with you
So I thought...

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

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Dec. 22nd, 2006 | 12:08 pm
location: My new place
mood: accomplishedaccomplished
music: The Dresden Dolls - Half Jack

A is for a lot of things. A is for the grades I received in every class this semester (again). A is for alive and awake, my surrent status, which is surprising considering A is also for apartment, like the one I just moved into last night. But more important, A is for apart, a theme going on right now for me that few people know of. However, A is for apathy, which I usually feel in these situations. Maybe that will change. Until next post, A is for Aloha (in the goodby sense). Peace.


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So much to write...

Nov. 9th, 2006 | 12:09 am
location: Cook Library- 2nd Floor
mood: accomplishedaccomplished
music: Tori Amos - Lust

...so little motivation to put it down. Hence the long hiatus' between posts (depending on what you consider long). Basically, I've been busting my ass more this semester than ever. But it is paying off pretty well. This is both the most intense and most exciting semester I've had so far. The clinical classes have by far become the biggest (positive) challenges of my life (which says a lot about how uneventful my life is). I think that because of the close-knit family my fellow clinical students and I have built with each other, I have been incredibly empowered to succeed. I actually have the highest marks in both of my clinical classes (for now...it may very well change by the end of the semester), which is great, but I do feel like it's starting to cause covert turmoil in some of the other students. I try not to play into it too much, but they usually encourage such behaviors. The focus right now, though, is on other classes as I have a sex diff test (yeah, that class) and a big Midlife Development (research) term paper to focus on. I've started the study guide on sex diff, with very little progress, but my focus right now has been on the midlife paper. In collaboration with Tina, we are researching the pros and cons of being a lesbian or gay parent. I have a ginormous stack of perr-reviewed articles on the subject that I've just gone through and highlighted for use in the paper. I've also outlined my half of the paper (the pros side...a radical departure from my inherent pessimistic tendencies) as well as highlighted the main points for the intro and conclusion. I feel rather productive in that regard...and pretty hyped to continue my progress, although I will probably put a pause on the paper until monday (it's due wednesday).

Today, more importantly (as I'm a more future-oriented as opposed to present-oriented person), I registered for classes. In contrast to past semesters, I'm rather disappointed in being able to schedule this time around as there was really very little for me to decide on. Three of my classes were pre-selected as part of the honors clinical program. I absolutely must be in at least two other classes next semester though to maintain full-time status. Any more than two though would put me in an uncomfortable situation since the demands of the honors program are so high. So I decided it would be best this semester to take the last class in the clinical category (for the general major) that I have yet to take since it is often a requirement of Ph.D. programs in clinical psychology...in fact, it's funny because my research, which I've passed on to the other honors kids, has inspired a mass movement to enroll in that class. Assuming the spots will be available (which they may not be) practically all of the 11 other kids in the honors clinical program will be taking that class with me next semester, whereas prior to my informing them of grad schools and subsequent discussions with jean Ayers about the benefits the class has in getting through this program, nobody else felt inclined to take it. So go me (I'm such a dork). To fill the other spot (as all my other psych requirements will be completed at the end of the current semester) I decided that I will take one of two gened classes I have yet to complete. The one that was most appealing (and that fit best into the schedule I already have) was Genetics, Health and Society, which happens to be an upper-level occupational therapy course (interesting). So my schedule is as follows:

7-9:30pm - Tests and Measurements

8-9:15am (gross) - Group Dynamics
9:30-10:45am - Genetics, Health & Society

(day open for possible supervision and/or clinical internship hours)

8-9:15am - Group Dynamics
9:30-10:45am - Genetics, Health & Society
12:30a-1:45p - Readings in Psychology

(possible clinical internship hours)

The class that is not directly listed here, if you can't guess, is my Internship in Psychotherapy. That brings me to the other reason I'm not so pleased with registering this semester. Not everything is set in stone in a nice, neat fashion. The internship (4 credits) is comprised of 2 clinical supervision hours (by either Dr. Brand or Dr. Ayers) on-campus and 9 on-site clinical hours with whatever agency I ultimately get placed in. Every honors clinical student met briefly with Dr. Ayers (I'm trying to break the habit of calling her Jean) and talked about what they would like to do (and not do) with their internship. I told her I would rather not work with adolescent-based populations (dealing with aggressive/behavioral disorders such as oppositional-defiant, intermittent explosive, tic disorder, etc., or eating disorders) nor would I like to work with the PDD (pervasive developmental disorder) population as that is what I'm currently getting experience with at my job. I informed Dr. Ayers that I would like to work with clients diagnosed with more severe disorders, such as trauma, dissociative or psychotic. So we'll see what happens. Along the line of trauma, she suggested possibly working with vistims of abuse, which may be interesting (and is something I never formally considered). Anyway, the supervision hours haven't been set in stone, but hopefully will be determined soon. Even more nerve-wracking is the scheduling of clinical hours, which will come much later and is to be determined by both me and the agency I'm paired with.

A quick update on work (since school and work are basically my life...oh, and some guy named Mo), things have been going well. I've still been going out with co-workers occasionally and having a good time. My id was only ever rejected once, and that was halloween night (but I anticipated it considering the bas they chose). What's disappointing now, though, is that Stacey fucking ruined my ID by getting nail polish on the front. He promised me a ride back to Philly to get a new one, but we'll see (I don't have much time for it). It's not that big a deal though because I don't go out too often to places requiring ID's. Maybe I can even get my coworkers to start having private parties at people's homes (like the college kids do). Our unit manager, Mrs. B, has caved under the pressures of, well, managing. She put in her notice about a month ago, and her last day is friday. It's kind of sad, because I kind of liked her, even though sometimes she would try to call me out on shit that didn't make much sense. We don't have an official replacement, but the manager of the geriatric units has been assigned out interim manager until an official one is found. She came in for a recent staff meeting and seems like a tough one to get along with. Plus, there have been stories from her reign on the geri units. But we'll see. That's me...straight, to the point, and devoid of emotional outpouring. Hope you've enjoyed.

- Jamesky

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We don't like Disney...

Oct. 3rd, 2006 | 12:41 pm
location: Psych comp lab
mood: bitchybitchy
music: Colors of the Wind

So my attention and focus right now is placed on one class in particular..a class that really means nothing to me except the fulfillment of a psych requirement. That class is Sex Differences (created by Rabin herself in 1973...Got that!? 1973). Now I'm not going to form any ignorant, uninformed opinions such as 'it's such a man-hating class,' but I will say it's pretty much bullshit. Let me preface all of this by saying I hold pretty strong feminist convictions and do not disagree with most of the contents of the COURSE, but I find myself more and more in disagreement with the professor. Now, she makes for an awesome lesbian, but it's the sixth week of school and she's still trying to tell us what we will be learning in this course. A lot of the information she tries to teach is very redundant. It's funny, I just thought of the analogy that she comes full circle but just keeps repeating that same circle, but that's not even true as she's very fragmented and fails to make the connection among a lot of things. For instance, today I was pretty heated about the fact that early on in the class she mentioned that we, as humans, are information collecting systems and this is evident from the time of birth. Later, she goes on to say that humans create schemas for other people but we should be teaching a more aschematic approach to our children. Well, this message completely contradicts what she had earlier stated was an innate, biological human tendency. In order to collect information, we must be ableto classify it. Now, to be fair, she was not in fact saying we shouldn't classify things, but she is saying we should not fashion schemas around GENDER, a social construction, but rather sex, a biological construction. However, even though I am able to bridge this connection, I feel there are others in the class (and it's a pretty big class) who are not as cognizant of social versus biological functions of human existence that will take from this lecture that people should not create schemas for anything...we should not have preconceived prototypical conceptions of different objects and animals. A bear is an ape is a dog is a squirrel...if we didn't match the image of a bear standing right in our face with our preconceptions of what a bear is, we might feel inclined to chase rather than run from it...and that's pretty retarded if you ask me.

So let me move on to my bigger issue that has been festering in my mind for quite some time now...she prides this class as a class on diversity. Of course male and female alone accounts for some diversity, but there are so many other spectrums to consider. Our professor does place emphasis on the fact that this course is about gender constructions across race class, sexual orientation and all that jazz, but I feel like she hasn't really honed in on that theme in her lectures. Surprisingly enough since she herself is a lesbian, I think she teaches a lot of the material from a heterosexist perspective. Case-in-point, her discussions of GI Joe and Barbie. She has talked across several lectures about the fact (which is pretty universally understood by now) that Barbie is an impossible ideal that little girls are meant to aspire towards as it perpetuates societal stereotypes and expectations of them. At the same time, GI Joe is supposed to be setting the standard for males. I agree this much: that the appearance of these dolls as the model from which we are form our own body images is absurdly impressed upon us by such iconic figures. However, Rabin goes on to say that Barbie is the epitome of sexuality, which is what society says is women's only tool of coercion, contrary to the GI Joe doll who uses power and strength as a means of force and impressionism. That is what I find to be a very heterosexist view that boys will view Barbie as a symbol of sexuality and girls will view the GI Joe as powerful and dominating. Well, from a gay man's point of view (that would be mine), GI Joe was always seen as the sexually provocative figure who uses his appeal to get what he wants and Barbie was the stronger, more empowered figure for which Ken (her male counterpart) is just an accessory. So for me, I was not as attuned to what society meant for these action figures to represent as a heterosexual boy would be.

Lastly, I just want to say that Rabin likes to talk a lot of smack about Disney. I will agree that many a disney cartoon epic portrays its male leads as more heroic and its females as damsels in vulnerable damsels in distress (think Sleeping Beauty), but for those few examples where a female lead is the strong character (i.e. Pocahontas), the professor automatically reverts back to 'well, look at her appearance...' and that whole rant about a woman could never look like that. BUT I would like to make a stand and say that the appearance issue is almsot ALWAYS both ways. The men of disney films are impossibly built with all too well defined features that boys are meant to have. So, in essence, the fact that Pocahontas looks mighty fine is no excuse to say that Disney does not value the equality of women. We should rather focus our anger against Disney toward their portrayals of all human beings. So, male power, gay power, schema power, and fuck Disney (somehow). That is all. Oh, except I'm 20 now...yay! I hate everyone.

- James the Third

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Why I'm Gay...

Sep. 14th, 2006 | 02:28 am
location: A fucked up place
mood: apatheticapathetic
music: Imogen Heap - Useless

Because it's practical.

Shall I expound? Great.

Let's suppose for a second that there is no "gay gene." I will tell you for a fact that homosexuality is still biological. Freud himself was a neurobiologist and believed that neuroses developed from a biological predisposition and were not automatically built into one's genes. Therefore, it is caused by the outside nurturance of those genetic characteristics that causes neurosis. Likewise, research has shown that people are born with a pre-determined chance for developing cancer, and only with outside influences (i.e. smoking) can that chance increase. One person could be born with a high chance, lead a pure, clean life and develop cancer in their 20's, and another can be the filthiest chain smoker and not develop cancer until their 60's. Am I trying to say that Homosexuality is a disease then. Absolutely not. Look at personality. Everyone is born with a certain chance of having particular personality characteristics. Of course, whether those strong predispositions come through or not depends on nurturance. By adulthood, a person's personality is deeply embedded within them and cannot change. It still remains that the biology is still there. I would bet my life that homosexuality works in the same way. Even still, back to personality, I think it develops in congrunece with homosexual expression. For me, my introversion and intuition were passed down from my mother's side and nurtured, while my thinking and judging were passed down from my father's side. My introversion and thinking have developed strongly and my intuition and judging have developed fairly moderately. So let's use me as an example: with my high introversion, I'm essentially already openly defiant towards the foundation of our society. I'm adverse to social situations, and I do my own thing in the background. My intuition allows me fair conceptualization skills, in which I perceive things in broader, more abstract terms. This absolutely applies to my choice in a partner. I do not pay attention to the details (i.e. - I don't dwell on the fact that the person I've chosen has a penis, but that their qualities are BASICALLY what I'm looking for). Mix that with high rationality, in which my decisions are very thorough and well thought out in favor of what is best for me. And lastly, add in the fact that I have a tendency to judge, which encompasses both being highly critical of what I see in others as well as sticking to my own determined path in life. This growth in my personality has facilitated the outward expression of my inherent homosexual tendencies. It's in radical personalities that people are more free. Homosexual freedom is greatly influenced by this. Those who have had more repressive personalities nurtured during their childhood and adolescent years are more prone to homophobia, a diagnosable, clinical disorder characterized by a strong hatred toward members of the gay community initiated by an irrational fear that they themselves might be gay.

Let us also suppose that humans are social creatures. The human species is one that evolved and surpassed all other species on the hierarchical food chain not because they were physically built tougher and stronger then, say, lions, tigers and bears (if you don't already know, we're not), but because they were built tougher and stronger socially. Our development of social communication networks has led to technology and innovation that puts our species ahead of all others. We thrive on social mobility, social change, social justification. But now that we have fully developed as social beings, there comes stagnation. We're caught in a war between social progression and social deterrance. I focus here on the social deterrance, which I will from here on out refer to simply as religion. Religion is a regressive school of thought for humanity most simply because it relies on primitive justifications for its perceived "righteous" way of life. I focus specifically on their justifications for ostracizing homosexuality. The argument is that humans have a natural instinct to pass on their genes by means of procreation. This argument is primitive as it appeals to our animalistic instincts that lie within us from an earlier evolutionary era. However, Freud once again gets it right in his basic idea of the 'ego,' a structural component of the human psyche designated to suppress animalistic instincts. This suppression is necessary to maintain the existence of the human race as it inherently drives us towards social acceptability. Without this ego, humans would squat and defecate on the streets along with many other socially innapropriate actions. In fact, the human species is growing at an alarming rate that will inevitably lead to its destruction because they've already fed into this religious nonsense for too long. It used to be that people needed to have many offspring to better ensure the survival of at least one as illness and other natural causes wiped out many children before puberty. Religion perpetuates this routine still today when it is in fact a detriment to society to have such an abundance of life. Social progression is hindered as a result. Not only is homosexuality biological, but it is part of our social evolution to control this mess. We, as humans, should not be having children for the sake of spreading our seed anymore. As a socially driven species, we should only have children for the luxury of having children. The socially reciprocating relationship between parent and child is what really drives us to have kids this far into the evolutionary process. You want to share your LIFE, not your genes. You take care of your children so that they in turn will take care of you one day. We are not mechanical, baby-popping machines and it's foolish for anyone to believe so. Everyone should thank homosexuals for prolonging (as best we can) the extinction of this species.

Let us now suppose that I'm a fairly logical person. I know and understand myself pretty well. I neither overestimate nor underestimate myself or my potential. This is why I set simple goals, engage in simple things and speak very simply. Without overanalyzing my life, I know that I want someone. I don't know who yet, and that doesn't matter to me right now. What I know is that, very simply, a person seeks someone with similar qualities, but at the same time is very different in a way that is actually complementary. Over the course of my life (to this point) I have determined that I could never find someone like me in terms of personality, outlook, and general attitude/affectivity. So what is there really in someone else that I can relate to? Being born as a man, growing up as a man, having the hormonal balance of a man, is all I could possibly have in common with someone. It's simply the experience of being a man that I want to share with that someone else. That by no means implies that men are better than women, but it does imply that men are better FOR ME than women. The rest of that certain someone (if and when I find him) I accept as my complimentary opposite. And when someone else can feel the same towards me, that's love and it's right. Religion has tainted morality. Religion equates homosexuality to bestiality and child molestation, but it is the farthest from either because there is mutuality. Anyone who disagrees (a social "deterrant" if you will) is not as evolved and, frankly, just not as fucking edgy as me. So let them go make babies 'til the death of them and I will stay right here, just me.

Betch. That is all.

- James

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Decaf Whore...

Aug. 9th, 2006 | 12:10 am
location: Black Abyss
mood: crazycrazy
music: Fiona Apple - Fast As You Can

So, I made a pretty drastic change recently, if you can't tell. Katrina and Davise from work put me up to it, and I'm a sucker for appearance changes. I got the haircut with Mo (who, by the way, is worthless to have around for advice...and no better for moral support). And then dye my hair later. My mom didn't know or see any of it until I was in the middle of dying and had to run upstairs to get another mirror. She just laughed it off though and said I'm full of surprises...oh, ma, you're so funny...Anyway, I worked the overnight last night and no one seemed to care, but they were shocked I went through such a change. Ryan was already calling me the Angry Adolescent, and this morning when she came into work and saw me she was like "just when I thought you couldn't get any angrier." I couldn't help crack a smile...a fierce, devilish smile...yeah, that's it....'Cause I'm fuckin' edgy.

So today, I hung out with Bobert and we went to the park. And since I'm such an attention whore, I had him take a bunch of pictures of me (such as my new default LJ pic...see my myspace for more). Then, we went to The Avenue, where all the other angry adolescents run around like pack rats and just chilled and talked it up. He likes to talk about how I'm 'slutty' (I don't know why people get that impression of me) and I had to remind him that, in fact, I don't have sex. I much prefer fickle little bitch romances where it's just spooning cuddling, attention-seeking behavior, etc...which I happen to have done with a lot of guys...well, since my last breakup. So he coined me the 'Decaf Whore.' That's the story and I'm sticking to it...Outie.

- James Jameson

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Dirty Business...

Jul. 25th, 2006 | 01:09 am
location: Between Dead and Breathing
mood: nauseatednauseated
music: Popular - Wicked

So I have a greater appreciation for P's (of which only psych kids and their...allies(?) know what I mean). The psat 48 hours have been fun and...well, crazy...in more than one sense of the word. I work Saturday evening, and had no plans originally for later that night. Well, one coworker was invited out to a party for someone who works on another unit, and a few others and I decided to join in. So at work when all the kids were in bed, we made a big birthdy banner with pictures and cute messages from all of us. Then, after work, we went, and I rode with Jen, leaving my car at the Pratt. When we get down there, Denine finds us (who, sadly, left 1H and I haven't seen much lately) and joins the party....there was a keg and some orange juice and vodka, both of which I indulged in very heavily. They also had a hookah, and, yes folks, I finally gave in and tried it...and tried it, and tried it again. It was fun. Everyone cleared out by 2 except for Denine, Jonathan (who the party was for) and I...we stayed up until 4am just talking about life, the universe and everything. And then we laid down, and then I threw up, and then something awkward happened (no details here, sorry) and then Denine and I crashed at her place, which, oddly enough was only about three doors down.

Sunday...Denine and I had bagels and coffee and then went to Artscape, this big outdoor art exhibit/thing in the city that I had never heard of until that point. And that was pretty fun just walking around, being grody (for I hadn't showered or changed clothes...and it was prettty sweltering out). Then Denine and I were off, back to Sheppard...where I reunited with my car, but only to get my name badge and unit keys for I was headed back into work...and to do a double. That's right, 3pm-7:30am and I STILL hadn't showered or changed. I had no toothbrush, no deodorant, I reaked of alcohol still, and there may have still been traces of vommit on my breath (who knows)...and of course, my poor hair! Luckily, I do work at Sheppard, where we make some effort to take care of the patients...so I stole an extra comfort kit (which includes a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant and comb) and fixed myself up nice (or half-decent anyway) to take on the night. And what a night. Of course, for the evening I'm assigned to one of the more difficult 1:1's (who was actually even a 2:1 at one point...that's right, 2 staff to 1 patient. Can you imagine?? I can...). Although she didn't give me too much trouble. I have a few scratches, and maybe some emotional scars, but overall, I made it through just fine. And night shift was, well, slow, until about an hour before it was over..when patients started waking. They of course put me in charge of looking after the OTHER troublesome 1:1 who was not in a parrticularly perky mood this morning. So he was screaming and hitting and headbutting and scratching all the way up until change of shift...and that's why I love my job so much. No, but seriously, some patients are just too cute as they pummel the shit out of you that you can't help but smile...

Finally, this morning, I came home and took a shower and put on some fresh clothes, but only to sleep until about 5:30 pm. Ever since, I've just been online, myspaceing and AIMing it up...basically, back to my boring self until some other fantastic adventure finds me...

- James, who has lost his giant peach

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I Don't Like Mondays...

Jul. 3rd, 2006 | 12:55 pm
location: The Basement
mood: pensivepensive
music: Tori Amos - In the Springtime of His Voodoo

So it seems at the same time a lot has been happening and nothing at all has been happening. My life is still the same. I work, I go to school (although I'm officially in summer now), I live in my mom's basement and I'm single. On the other hand I've been clubbing a lot more, and hanging out with some other friends I didn't used to spend so much time with...although none of my friends are ignored or forgotten. I've learned in the past few weeks that people I barely know but have interacted with at some point believe that I'm actually a really cool guy, and that means a lot to me. I'm back to spending barely any time online anymore. If asked, I could not recall the specifics of everything, nor anything too eventful at all really. However, I know that I've been enjoying myself and the simple, subtle joys of life. Last night I went with Mo, Kris and her boyfriend Kyle to see The Devil Wears Prada. I absolutely loved it. I think movies move me in a way that most other people don't feel. The only time I really have a sense for my own feelings is when I'm watching movies. It's weird. So that movie, as with many others, has really had quite an impact on me. I found out I got an A in Research Methods. I'm enrolled in 7 classes classes for next semester, although I plan on dropping one, maybe two, but we'll see how it works out. I start my honors clinical classes which will be hard as fuck, so I might find myself dropping below a 4.0 this time around. We'll see. I'm officially a .6 Full-Time Equivalent Core Mental Health Worker at Sheppard Pratt. I'm guaranteed at least 3 shifts a week now (to work around school) and can pick up extra shifts as I feel like it. I also get benefits. Core staff pay rate is 11.15/hr for evenings as opposed to the per diem rate of 11.50/hr, but that's no big deal. It's well worth it when you take everything else into consideration. I have to work today though as well as Wednesday. My brother and sister-in-law are up from New Zealand for the month visiting. It seemed they had so many cool things planned and that I would have so much fun with them this summer, but it's not been that way so far. Instead, I've been having fun with all of my friends while they're being dragged all over the county with my mom everyday helping her run errands and doing mundane tasks with her. They did finally set up a camping trip, but it goes from today until thursday. Since I work today and wednesday, I am not able to partake. They've left already. Isn't life a bitch? I expected this to happen though actually. The only way I could actually spend quality time with them is if I went to New Zealand to visit. I've thought long and hard and I think in 6 years time, after I've completed grad school, I might like to live in New Zealand with them for a little while. They have spare bedrooms and often try to convince me now to come live with them. They don't have much regard for higher education as they've both found successes in New Zealand without any. That's a ways away though. I really should focus more on my life now. Not a lot has been happening, but perhaps it's because I hardly pay attention. That's all...

- JG

* Boy you still look pretty when you're putting the damage on *

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Proud to be...

Jun. 18th, 2006 | 01:25 pm
location: Home
mood: lethargiclethargic
music: Tori Amos - Taxi Ride

So I went to gay pride for the first time ever. To me it was pretty much how the media makes it out, a lot of guys in leather, drag, or nothing at all (practically). People groping each other, or so I heard but (luckily) did not experience myself. But I must say I did enjoy it for the most part. Not because of any displays of sensationalism, but because I met up with a lot of my friends and had a sense I was less restricted and more free to be me. I mean I'm sure I was still being judged constantly (hello...gay!?), but on a more shallow level. So that was fun while it lasted, but I didn't stick around for all of the pride party...

Around 8:30 Mo, Eugene and I met up with a bunch of my coworkers in celebration of one of the coworkers' birthdays. That was fun and brought me back to reality, which I need periodically. The waitress there sucked though and the food was expensive, but it was good seeing even more people I know and having the downtime. Mo paid for most of my dinner, and in fact all I drank at pride was beer that he had originally bought for himself, so I guess I'm in debt to him quite a bit. Here's hoping my simple 'thank you' will suffice.

Back to pride, or lack thereof, at about 11ish I met met back up with Chris Staci and Mikey, who I originally went down there with, at Central...and Central was...well, Central. I was pretty sober at that point...and tired...and introverted. I did dance some, but sat out for a lot of it. Oh, and some old guy finally offered to buy me a drink, and I didn't even flirt or dance with him, but I turned him down. Also, it was funny because I met a kid from myspace there, completely by chance, and he was wearing a shirt that said 'You looked better on myspace.' I asked him if it was true, and he didn't really answer, but said that 'Most people tell me I look better in person.' So, basically I'm ugly. Who fucking knew? But he (Mike) did hang around and even waited with me outside Central afterwards while Staci was trying to find his phone. He even walked with all of us to the car (he lived only a few blocks away, so he wasin no rush to get home). So that was kind of sweet. Of course I drove Staci's car home since I was the only sober one in the bunch. I brought everyone back to Towson, but Staci and Mikey were hungry so they went out to Denny's, and hopefully everything went okay.

So this weekend has been kind of nice in that I went to my first pride, AND I've been cancelled from work all three days now! Today was made official just 20 minutes ago actually. It kind of sucks at the same time though because that's quite a bit of money lost. But I'm not too worried about it. I'm living at my mom's for crap's sake with no plans to move out in the near future. Hopefully I'll be made into a core staff member soon though so that I'll be guaranteed three shifts a week, with the option to pick up extra shifts as I see fit. So today I need to study for a research methods test that I have tomorrow, but that shouldn't take up too much time at all. Then, who knows...there's more pride today, but I doubt I'll go.

- Jiminy Cricket

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